Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
whose parrot is this?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
