You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
