So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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