How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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