Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
