Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
