my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
