seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
