I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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