tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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