Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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