we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
