She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
