When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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