I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love having hate sex.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
