my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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