OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
