your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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