She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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