Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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