I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no you cant smoke seaweed
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
