Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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