butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
