This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
