Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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