if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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