He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
