Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
