I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
