sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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