he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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