New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
