Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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