some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
