On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
