so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
