And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
