Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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