So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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