i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
false alarm, still single
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
