Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
