Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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