I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
