I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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