you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
