Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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