Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
