I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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