we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
