i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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